[OPEN] it hurts to remember.

[deacon reid rudman]

"I am happy, Connor. Happier than I've ever been." He read over the texts and chats, surprised he had even kept them. It brought tears to his eyes to know Connor wasn't this happy anymore. He wanted him to be as happy as possible, to be able to die and not have any regrets. But maybe that's what he was dwelling on, the fact that he wouldn't have Connor forever. He would be lucky to have him a couple more months.

"None of this was your fault, Connor.. None of it. Things happen.. I still want to marry you and spend the rest of your life with you and keep you happy.. I guess we just can't pretend that tomorrow actually exists when we don't even know if we have the next ten minutes together.." He stroked his hair gently, tears falling down his cheeks.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor bit his lip quguiltily, swallowing. He set Bandit's milk aside so it wouldn't get spilled, and reached out. "Don't cry..." He whispered softly, gently brushing Deacon's tears away. "I-I'm doing everything I c-can to stay alive now Deacon..." He was so afraid of cracking though, giving in. Sitting up carefully, managing to keep from ripping his IVs out, he fixed his boxers and gazed down at the angry red surgical wounds stitched and stapled, the worst ones bandaged as well. He slid out of bed, climbing carefully into Deacon's lap, and kissed him softly.

[deacon reid rudman]

Deacon opened his arms, hugging him gently. He kissed him softly, reaching up to cup his cheek gently. He traced his fingers slowly over his cheek, leaning close. He pulled back after a moment, still terrified that he was going to hurt him. He hugged him close, running a hand through his hair. "Even if it means you're still here, I hate seeing you suffer.. I feel like I'm only keeping you here for selfish reasons, because I'm too terrified of letting go of the one person I ever really loved.. I just don't know how to live without you.. It's like you're meant to be here, like everything is somehow a lot better when you're here.." He slowly ran his fingers through Connor's hair, thinking back to when they first met, and how he came home one day and Connor had pink hair. It seemed forever ago.

"You're everything I've ever wanted and so much more.." He breathed, leaning back in his chair.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor bit his lip when he pulled away. "You don't h-have to be so afraid..." He whispered, curling up close. He didn't care if he got in trouble for being out of bed. He kissed Deacon's cheek. "Don't f-feel like that...I wanna be here for you... I just-... I wanna be happy... I wasn't the longest time, a-and then I met you...but... I dunno where th-that went... H-how to be like that again..." Gentle tears fell down his own cheeks. "H-how can you even love a-a-a mess like me..?" He rubbed his chest gently, buried his face against him.

[deacon reid rudman]

"Because you're my mess." He said, kissing the top of his head. He ran his fingers gently through his hair, hugging him close. He closed his eyes, resting his head on top on Connor's. He rocked him gently, keeping his arms protectively around him. "It doesn't matter how big a mess you may be, Connor. You're still mine and I'll love you no less because of it. I like knowing I can make you okay, that you aren't perfect. Because your little flaws are what make you amazing. Like your stutter, and your scars. I know I can't take the pain away, but I can try to make it okay."

[connor crayze sykes]

"M-my stutter's a fucking joke, Deac-con.... I'm just a fucking j-joke, just something for people to laugh at.." He swallowed, clinging on to his desperately, and finly pulled his IVs out carefully, small beads of blood forming as he hugged him tightly. "I c-can never stop hating myself... But I can s-still love you.... I just gotta get happy again..." He choked.

[deacon reid rudman]

"I happen to like your stutter. I think it's adorable. I had a stutter when I was little, but I outgrew it. Now I just have a weird lisp when I say things with a lot of s's. Like sassafras." He cupped his cheek gently, kissing him slowly. He traced his fingers gently over his cheek, hugging him as close as he dared. "Nothing about you is a joke, Connor. I think you're amazing. You'll be happy again one day, baby. You have to be happy. I can't marry a grump." He teased, wrinkling his nose at him.

[connor crayze sykes]

"I dunno h-how to be happy anymore..." He smiled at his next words though. "You ways know h-how to make things better...." He kissed his jaw gently, knew he was supposed to be released today. Tomorrow would be a mess... He couldn't help it. He was trying, he was...but he knew Christy would act up or mope as well... Knew it had been two years since Adam died...knew it was going to be the date of his birth and death. "I love you.."

[deacon reid rudman]

"I love you too, baby." He said with a smile, wrapping his arms tighter around him. He knew Connor was growing depressed, but really didn't want to pry and ask why. He didn't need him crying or going into hysterics. He kissed the top of his head, looking over to realize Bandit had wiggled all the way to the other side of the bed, searching for Connor in her sleep.

"One day your little silly girl is gonna grow up and be a beautiful woman. And maybe she can adopt some little hoodilums like herself." He said, kissing his forehead. It was no secret Bandit would never have children. She was as dead as Deacon inside. She just didn't have wings like the rest of them.

[connor crayze sykes]

Connor smiled faintly, tilting his head against Deacon's chest as he watched Bandit. "We gotta go get ice cr-ream before you lock me up, ok-kay?" He didn't know where the craving came from, a hand fisted absently in Deacon's shirt.