[OPEN] 'a series of attacks,' they said.

[nevada 'vegas' jayvon hanson]

"You feel alone because she isn't here? There's nothing you can do about that, Ryan. Nothing. And yeah, it's hard to get over. I can't say I know what you're talking about, cause I really don't remember anything. But you can't fix that.. and there's no solution to it, either. You just need to find someone who you can love and who can love you and just.. keep living. Her life was cut short. It seems really stupid for you to do the same thing.." He looked down at his pillow again, picking at the fuzzies on it.

[ryan leonardo matson]

Ryan shrugged. "I guess," He mumbled. "Shows how fucked up I am, huh? Weak, that's all I'll ever be.." He turned his attention back to the television. "But it's okay I guess. Nobody's gotta know I go home alone every day and break down, nobody's gotta know I struggle to find reason to stay alive. I know how to play pretend as much as the next guy. We're instinctive creatures, we want reason to live, we want acceptance. And if we have to fake it, we fake it. Nobody said life was easy, I guess. But sometimes I wonder why I wasn't told it would be so damn hard." He rubbed at his nose.

[nevada 'vegas' jayvon hanson]

Nevada got up on his crutches walking slowly over to him. He leaned down over him. "Life's really damn hard." He said, then slowly made his way into the kitchen. He found a glass, then walked to the fridge with it in his mouth. He sat it on the counter, and poured a glass of orange juice. He pulled himself up on the counter, and drank his juice slowly.

"You can't expect everything to be handed to you. And you can't expect to keep it once you've got it, either. That's the fucked up part." He said.

[ryan leonardo matson]

"It's all fucked up. It's like we're all player pieces in the hands of fate, and somehow we lost the ability to make our own choices along the way. What others do change our own lives. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try. We're all a part of the puzzle, doesn't mean we all share equeal edges or traits, doesn't mean life is fair. Doesn't matter what some people say. Like this conversation, doesn't mean it changes a thing. I'll take my days as they come I guess. If I'm strong enough great. If I finally crack, I guess you'll hear about it in the news some point. Oh, there's goes Ryan. He opted out anyway, still ended it all. Not saying I don't fight to stay alive, not saying I don't probably need some therapy. Just saying even I don't know how strong I am. Then again, I guess none of us do..some of us can't even remember how to walk."

He smiled over at him gently, barely phased that he had just told him he would probably still eventually kill himself. "But we all gotta keep fighting as long as we can and-..hey, scooby doo." He wrinkled his nose, changing the subject, content with not talking about depressing matters any longer.

[nevada 'vegas' jayvon hanson]

"I hate Scooby Doo." He said, finishing off his orange juice. But he didn't feel like moving. That required entirely too much effort, and it seemed completely pointless.

"Oh, yay. I get to learn how to drive again." He mumbled, then groaned, leaning against the cabinets. "Shoot me now. Just put me out of my misery. I'll leave you $50 in my will. I'll make a will on this napkin." He pretended to look around for a pen.

"Well, I'm sure I've got like.. five in my wallet." He said.

[ryan leonardo matson]

Ryan chuckled. "Sorry, I don't carry a gun, did I not just tell you I'm a danger to myself? I make a horrible cop." He stuck his tongue out at him tauntingly, that smile there as he had said it would be, nothing seemingly wrong at all. No tears or pain. Then again, he wasn't alone, he didn't have to think about himself.

Huffing, he grabbed the remote, finally just turned off the TV.

[nevada 'vegas' jayvon hanson]

"You only make yourself out to be what you think you are. It's like.. a projection thing. If you think you're a loser, then you're going to be a loser. Maybe you aren't a terrible cop. Maybe you just got into it for all the wrong reasons." He chewed on his lip, looking over at the fridge. He had notes on it, and different magnets. He reached over, plucking one off. It was a playing card with VEGAS written on it. He put it back on the fridge.

[ryan leonardo matson]

"I did, revenge. We've been over that too." He shrugged. "I don't even like the job, eerybody knows I'm gonna quit, most of 'em screw with me, want me to crack. I just haven't got around to it yet."

He needed to honestly, before he got his badge removed for breaking the law anyway in a fight or something. He wouldn't deny his flashes of anger.

[nevada 'vegas' jayvon hanson]

Nevada shrugged, looking down at his feet. He didn't know what else to say, was honestly at a loss. Which might be strange for the old Nevada, but not for the new one.

"I wonder.. if I'm ever going to be the Nevada Jayson started dating.." He mumbled, messing with one of his nails. He was horrified at the idea of losing him because he wasn't the same person. And he was too scared of him to confront him about him, ask him if it bothered him.

[ryan leonardo matson]

Ryan gazed over at him. "He's still with you yeah? That's at least got to count for something." He offered it as hopeful reasurrance. It would probably do Nevada more good than himself at this point.

Stretching out on the couch he sighed, pulling his phone, badge and a few gum wrappers from his pockets with a gusty breath.